So...I've been finding myself getting deeper and deeper into depression. Mainly because I want to "release" my creativity to the world, but unable to do so. I feel, so confined.
My job requires me to rein in my creativity. It is also so stressful, that on my days off, all I want to do is mope around and watch t.v. Its getting so that I no longer play videogames anymore. And I love playing games. I play them for a little while. Then I get mentally tired and stop.
I'm just so....mentally wiped out. Its a factory job. Its not a hard job either. But I end up having to work with the laziest, stupidest, slowest, self-entitled, douche-baggy people on earth. Its just getting so tiring having to work with crappy people all the time. (It doesn't help that I am not a people person to begin with.)
Ack...I just...feel so mentally exhausted.
And I can feel that I'm loosing myself because of it. The only thing really keeping me together is my meager attempt at photography. I have soo many projects that I wanna get done, but can't because I just feel too tired to do 'em.
I hate this. I really do.
"Why don't you get another job?" People ask me.
Because I am not one that handles change very well. New situations stress me out soo much that I start crying.
That and I refuse, absolutely refuse, to work at fast-food chains and restaurants. One there's people, two-people, three-low wages, four-people, and five-dead end jobs.
Sometimes, I wish all of this crap would just stop. But no, it just keeps on a trucking along.
In the last 2 years, I have gained 40 pounds. All because of this stress. When I'm stressed, I eat more sweets. Especially chocolates. Before, I used to rarely eat chocolate because I didn't "feel" like eating them. But now...now I have to restrain myself everytime I see one. Do you know how hard it is to keep your hands off of chocolate? Yeah...its hard.
On a different note, my birthday is on the 27th. Not happy that it's on black friday. I hate black friday with a passion.
I'm also(this might seem selfish and one of those "boo-hoo" poor baby moments)worried that my family has forgotten my birthday. Although my parents deny it, they favor my younger brother. Always have, always will. Never missed his birthday. They have forgotten my birthday a few times. Especially if I don't remind them. And this year, I haven't reminded them. For one, I don't know what I want. Two, they never really get me what I want, (Which is usually art supplies like beads and paint and all that jazz.)and three, because I just wanted to see if they would actually remember.
Because of their missing my b-days, I have actually made it my personal mission to never miss theirs. Not once have I forgotten theirs, and by-gonnit I'm not going to start now. I know what it feels like to have people forget your own birthday, and so I don't want them to feel that way.
Also...my younger brother now has a girlfriend. I feel so lonely. TT_TT He got a girlfriend before I could get a boyfriend. TT_TT
So yeah...thats what I'm "dealing" with in my life.