Ugh...I'm still alive. Just doing nothing as usual. I haven't posted anything in a while...and I should
I'm just...in this constant state of laziness and procrastination towards my art. I wanna do something, but can't.
I think its mainly because when I look at my partially done art, I don't want to continue and see them ruined. I would draw part of something, I'd like how its going, but stop because I'm afraid that I'll mess it up. So they never get finished. I know I should just finish them, just to see that they really aren't horrible. I know that if I do mess up I can do them over...but...I just...I can never get over that hump of actually finishing them. I even tell myself when I start something that I will finish it this time. But as always it never gets to that point.
I've moved to a trailer home, living by myself now. I just got a new kitty. I call her Meimei(maymay) I love her sooo much. She can't really replace my previous cat's place, but she has done a pretty good job on filling up most of the hole that Kitty(previous cat's name, I know, its really original XP ) left in my heart.
Even though I love the freedom, I still miss being with my family. After living with them for 23 yrs, I've become really close. We may fight and such, but I still love them. I new it wasn't going to be easy living without them. I noticed that on my first trip to camp. I was only going to be away from my family for a week at camp, I still had missed them.
I've been depressed very often, ever since the fire. And now I'm feeling lonely. Very lonely. Meimei is great, but she can't talk to me like a human can.
And I would like a boyfriend. Which makes me fell even lonelier, because I'm not a fashion model, and it seems like guys nowadays prefer that type of women.
I get told often by people that its better to not have boyfriends and to deal with all that. But, humans by nature have always been...social and we will always seek just that one person to be with till we die. We need that comfort of somebody growing old with us, I need that comfort. I would like to experience what other woman have felt when being hugged by their man, being comforted, protected, and all of that stuff.
"But, they'll probably rip your heart out by cheating on you or whatever" So? Almost everybody goes through with that, its not one of those things that just can't happen. Its how people handle those situations, that determines the future of that individual. I'm not saying I want heartbreak, but I do want to experience other "couple-y" things.
Thats also the reason why I'm not creating much art.
The third reason: I'm not creating my art, is I'm not motivated. Self motivation can only go sooo far. And this also goes hand to hand with the loneliness thing. I don't get to talk to people who are artistic like me. My colleagues at work are not creative, and I'm socially awkward enough to not go to the local bar on my own, and I'm the only one in my family that is artistic(sure they do quilting, but thats on rare occasions). (there is only soo much deviantart and all those places can do, I don't have much art, so I can't do anything on these places anyway.) So I'm not getting that motivation vibe from anybody. That makes me feel even more lonely. I want to talk to people, but no one around where I live is as artistic/computer game loving/weird type of a person like me.
I feel soo hopeless. And I hate being soo depressed. It makes me feel very very selfish, and I hate being even more selfish than I already am.
And I don't want to go to work tomorrow. 12 hours of painful torture. One thing I like about work sometimes, is that when I'm doing something that allows me to think but still be busy with my hands, I can think of soooo many creative ideas. Thats why I want to stay there, even though the pain in my back, knees, and feet never stops, I still have those creative ideas.
I may not have motivation, but I'm never out of inspiration. Heeeeey....thats a pretty good line for a t-shirt or something. Nobody use it! I claim it! >__<
At least I still have my weird sense of humor. XD
I have to go to bed now, I have to get up at five for work. At least I can look at pictures of Donghae, Kyuhyun, So Ji Sub(he is soooooo handsome, and love his voice *faints* ) and sooo many other Korean/Taiwanese/Japanese people. (Sorry, if there is any Chinese pop groups, I don't know them, can't find them on youtube...are they on youtube? Are they allowed? I don't know...I'm not informed enough on Chinese..er...stuff........do they have pop music? Or is their music more on the ballad side. I like ballads....you'll have to excuse my ignorance. I should stop adding more to this...seriously...stop!)
Lol, I make myself laugh sometimes.
Chow fer now.